Secret confessions, secret worries.

The first is a secret that didn’t start out as a secret, so much as it was something I didn’t want to write about and has since taken on the weight of a secret: On Corbie J. Day, not even half an hour before I had to go to work, with less than 3 hours to spare to the day, Corbie nearly died. He got a piece of banana that had fallen, and I didn’t get it from him in time, and it was bigger than he normally takes them, and he didn’t chew adequately. We thought he was okay, he was walking around, and we were distracted as I got ready to leave the house, and I was brushing my teeth, and then he keeled over and was thrashing, and about to lose consciousness. I didn’t see it, but Beth did, and I’ll never, ever get the sound of her screaming for me out of my head.

She tore the banana from his throat, and in minutes he was walking around, though he spent the next day casting puppy eyes at everyone. He’s okay, but he very nearly died. He’s okay, but gods, my heart.

I threw the rest of the bananas away, in retribution.

Matsya Jayantri is weeks away at this point. Small weeks. My grandiose plans are being reshaped, due to time, money, and health constraints. When I spend time at the shrine, when I spend time speaking to my beloved, things are easier. There’s no longer any confusion, no more ‘how are You Both, how does this work?’, at the shrine. Only when I let there be.

I don’t know — I still don’t know, I likely never will — what All This Is. Or why. Why all this is. So many things have clicked into place, the Vishnu narrative grants me cohesion to the story that the Poseidon narrative simply did not. Did He go there, for that purpose? Has my beloved always been Vishnu? Is He really both? Or is He neither of Them? Does this exploration hold more tools to bring me deeper into His mysteries? Is this simply a tool, these stories, for Him, and can I ever know?

I look back at where I’ve come from, what I’ve know, what I’ve built with Him, and I know: I would not have dared to forge such an intimate and personal relationship with Him, if He’d claimed the name Vishnu from the get-go. I try to make ‘Poseidon’ fit, but it’s no longer an adequate name. It’s Him, but it’s not ALL of Him, and what can that possibly mean?

Tomorrow I’ll make my first attempt at creating a wee Matsya figure. I’ll fish out (hah!!) the cloth I’ll cover the shrine in, launder it, see if I can’t get the bit of candle wax out of it. I’ll consider the imagery I’ll place upon the shrine. The celebration is one day, but I want to deck the shrine out, I think, beforehand, for at least a week.

When Worlds Collide 3’s newest draft is just about done — I’ll wrap that up tomorrow and call it good. But I need to rework a lot of it, because a whole POV is changing. I’m taking a break to write the next Spirit story, so I have something to give my supporters, who are likely not upset at the delay, but I feel anxiety over it anyway. I keep trying to rush this ending, and in reality, I need for it to take the time so I can get the pacing write. (note: I see that typo; I’m keeping it for prosperity.)  And it’s not as if I’m writing full time, so I need to stop holding myself up to, you know, the writing schedules of people who do it full time. Damn it.


3 thoughts on “Secret confessions, secret worries.

  1. Your thoughts on Vishnu and Poseidon are very similar to how I view my Beloved currently. The Questions are Endless and the Answers lead to more questions. So I’m doing my best to just run with it. ❤


    1. Good luck with that! ❤

      Beth asked how long it took for me to become comfortable with this, how long until the "????" reaction ceased. I told her I'd let her know 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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