So, this happened.
A week ago, I chopped my hair off. (So did Beth. Coat tails, you know.) ( ❤ ) Or rather, I paid someone to chop it off for me. I have thin hair, have always had thin hair, have an annoying cowlick that likes to pass as a balding spot, and the medication I’ve started taking has a ‘could cause mild hair loss’ side effect that I’m keen to not worry about, so I opted for cutting it all off and not worrying about it.
Saturday night, I went to work without my veil. It was pretty much as terrifying as beginning to veil was, except this time, I was knew that no one cared. Just like no one really cared when I began veiling. A few people mentioned it. “I’ve never seen the top of your head before!” “I’ve never seen you without your scarf.” but it was totally non-judgmental (or if it was, they kept it to themselves, which is acceptable.)
Why did I cease covering full time? There are as many stories about that as there are about why He’s changed things up that I could spin, that all fit. Veiling served its purpose. It helped with sun-triggered migraines; I get those less now. It helped with stress-triggered migraines; I do better in crowds now. It helped me take myself seriously as a devotee and wife; I don’t need that help so much these days. Veiling helped create a barrier between myself and people, allowed for me to maintain a distance by discouraging random people to approach me; my job has changed and I interact with hundreds less people a week. It helped me look older than how old I present, and right or wrong, encouraged others to not treat me like a child; the grey salting my hair and the wrinkles around my eyes help with that now. (Do I still look a decade younger than I am? Mostly. Do I still think ageism is wrong, no matter which way it goes? Yup!) It helped me practice articulating thoughts and concepts in order to explain to curious people. Veiling reminded me on a daily basis that I’d sworn myself to my Beloved, that He was and is first in my thoughts.
There are other, equally plausible reasons: it’s getting harder to find scarves that I like and can wear with minimal fuss that don’t cause me to overheat. It’s a tad more stressful than I’d like it to be, to go out of the house wearing a head covering, though this is the one reason I’ve held out the longest in continuing to veil, because fuck those people. The idea of going out without the scarf on my head was nearly panic-inducing — which is ultimately why I did it. Because fuck the asshole than is panic, too.
It’s interesting, and surprisingly painful, to not need those reminders quite so much any longer. It shouldn’t be painful, right? I mean, if I don’t need them, that’s good, yes?
My veiling is so very much tied up (hehehe) in my marriage vows to Him, and retiring the veil is one more thing that my depression wants to convince me is a betrayal to Him, and to those vows.
Except, He is totally ambivalent about my veiling at this point, and has been for a long time.
Except, I’m having an easier time connecting with Him now that I have done so.
Except He is right here, never leaves me, always holds me within, and how can I fret over something so silly?
I realized earlier today that the shifting in our relationship, that feels like it’s changed from a marriage to something else, is hard to get into words, and isn’t anything different so much as it is that I’m seeing it more clearly? The progression has gone from I worship at His shrine to, w/We worship side-by-side, together, at Hers. And, looking back, in how He’s had me approach Hekate’s deipnon, and how we’ve approached Rhea, and how we’ve approached Gaia together, and Cybele, I’m not entirely surprised, and it’s not entirely a new thing. At all. At all.
I can’t be mad. I’m not mad. I don’t want to be sad, and mostly it’s just bittersweet. I feel too Embraced to be sad, by Him. By Her. And so. So.
I love the haircut, btw. It’s still thinner than I wish it was, and I’m still self-conscious about it, but also: fuck it. It’s what I got. Will likely never go long again.